February 2007
Hi Dave!
Thanks for your email address and the very positive reply to
my letter. The revolution has begun. Housedads of the world unite! Let’s make
people realise that men can look after children too. The time has come for us
to march on Downing Street and make our demands for a more equal society:
1. Derogatory comments which assume any man in sole
charge of a child is a Sunday parent are to be banned. No old lady who walks
straight into a male-driven pushchair, causing a pile-up, shall be allowed to
get away with saying, ‘Looks like you need a bit of practice, dear.’
2. Baby facilities accessible to dads in public places
will smell as nice as the ones available for mums. (And we want the comfy
chairs too. We know they’re in there.)
3. Mums are to be forbidden from looking at us sideways
when they learn that some misguided career woman has left us caring for her
offspring all day.
4. We want higher prams.
5. We want bigger biscuits. (Not that mums already have
bigger biscuits but it’s worth having something to bargain away and, you never
know, we might be able to slip it through.)
6. We want lower…
Oh, who am I kidding? There are only the two of us. We’d
have difficulty causing a stir outside Number 10 even if we were wearing
balaclavas and speaking with Middle Eastern accents. Besides, we’d have the
kids with us. Everyone would merely assume we’d been sent to the shops to pick
up a pack of nappies while our wives took a breather.
Maybe we could put the kids in balaclavas…
No, better leave them out of this and struggle on.
I always think that being a housedad must be somewhat like
being a female car mechanic. Members of the opposite sex simply don’t take you
seriously. For goodness sake, it’s as if they think we don’t know a baby’s backside
from its elbow and that’s the first lesson you learn, believe me… For the full
effect, it’s best to strap a baby to your front using one of those carriers and
then go to the shops. If the baby is facing outwards, then every female you
meet will spend the entire time talking to your chest. It’s a salutary experience.
Maybe we’re not the only ones with demands to make. Maybe we should let female
car mechanics into the group.
Maybe I should clear that with my wife first…
Ho well, I’ll be in contact again soon. I’ll leave you with
my top tips for telling a baby’s backside from his or her elbow:
– If it smells bad then it’s probably the backside. No
guarantees, though. Where’s the baby been? When was the baby last washed?
– If it’s in a nappy then, once again, it’s probably
the backside. Still no guarantees – you may have got it wrong last time.
– If it’s sharp and in your eye then it’s the elbow
every time. Unless it’s a knee. Or the TV remote. Or a brick. Or…
Yours in a woman’s world,
Ed.
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